I planned to give you my Mozzarella poem on this week's special Sunday post, but I just stumbled across Christine's blog and her Blogfest. Now I'd like to share my experience with editing instead.

Most contestants have submitted prose writing, but I found the editing of this particular poem very insightful. Some may have read this poem before on this blog, but the new version is a first on here.

This is the old poem:

Invaders of Mind

Can’t leave you behind,
want to keep mine shut.
You seek me nightly - but
I am blind,
unable to find
a way to close my head.
I don’t understand this thread
Residing in my mind.

My pain is old
and will not cease,
comes knocking, endlessly.
But, behold,
afield is peace:
Sown seeds there thrive for me!

One of my assignments at Uni was to refurbish an old piece of work and make something completely new out of it. First I was reluctant to change too much. I liked the old set-up, the rhymes and the meaning. Who would have thought I'd like the new one even better.

Mind Intrusion

I listen
to your song,
your thumping
throat,
invading at night.
I need
a way
To close my head.

I hide
Among the corn,
Where our naked
thoughts
Were strong.
Our crops,
Decayed,
Reside in me.

My pain is old,
won’t stop to seethe,
comes knocking,
endlessly.
I make new deeds
and plant them deep.
Sown seeds
Will thrive,
but just for me.

See, the new one is not bound by the generic conventions of the strict form. With free verse, I could increase the speed and make the rhymes less predictable. The short lines also contribute to rhythm and especially in the end convey the hopeful look into the future.

Same as in prose, cutting the unnecessary is important in poetry, as well as showing what is happening. I tried to do that in both poems, but I think the second one is clearer.

Thank you for the challenge, Christine.
PS: A little advice: Write first, edit later. Leaving the poem for a few months has helped me create some distance and an objective view.

12 Comments:

  1. Michelle Gregory said...
    great job. i'd much rather write prose. writing poetry and trimming it hurts my head.
    Nahno McLein said...
    Thanks for your comment, Michelle. I used to prefer prose, but now I'm not so sure anymore.

    I don't know, but somehow you can take more time with editing in poetry and you have a better overview.

    My head hurts from prose and poetry, haha. That's the fun of it.
    Mason Canyon said...
    Wonderful job with the rewrite. I can't write poetry, but I do enjoy reading it.

    Mason
    Thoughts in Progress
    Christine H said...
    I can't pretend to be a good judge of poetry, but I definitely prefer the second version. Thanks so much for joining in!
    Charli Mac said...
    The second version is so well done and poignant. The first verse really grabs me...the thumping throat...
    Nahno McLein said...
    Thank you all so much for reading my poetry. I'm glad you agree with the edited version.

    This was my first Blogfest and I'm looking forward to join more ...
    Donna Hole said...
    Revision can be a good thing. I enjoyed the lesson too, even though I don't write poetry.

    ......dhole
    Talli Roland said...
    Beautiful! I love writing poetry.
    Nicole Zoltack said...
    I love writing poetry but haven't really shared any of mine yet. Thanks for sharing yours!
    Nahno McLein said...
    Donna, you're welcome. It's feels good to share and read from so many people. It's truly inspiring.

    Talli, where can I see one of your poems? I'm glad you liked it.

    Nicole, you should really share it. I'd love to read one of yours one day. Even if it's not finished, our lovely blogger community could maybe help you. (Or it's really awesome already and you need to know that.)
    Jemi Fraser said...
    Very nice - I like the free verse version - but that's usually the way for me. I always find them easier to read and write :)
    Nahno McLein said...
    Jemi, you're exactly on my wave. Let's surf together.

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