Baby Blogfest: from poem to poem
at Sunday, February 06, 2011Labels: blogfest, creative writing, editing, free verse, poetry
I planned to give you my Mozzarella poem on this week's special Sunday post, but I just stumbled across Christine's blog and her Blogfest. Now I'd like to share my experience with editing instead.
Most contestants have submitted prose writing, but I found the editing of this particular poem very insightful. Some may have read this poem before on this blog, but the new version is a first on here.
This is the old poem:
Invaders of Mind
Can’t leave you behind,
want to keep mine shut.
You seek me nightly - but
I am blind,
unable to find
a way to close my head.
I don’t understand this thread
Residing in my mind.
My pain is old
and will not cease,
comes knocking, endlessly.
But, behold,
afield is peace:
Sown seeds there thrive for me!
Mind Intrusion
I listen
to your song,
your thumping
throat,
invading at night.
I need
a way
To close my head.
I hide
Among the corn,
Where our naked
thoughts
Were strong.
Our crops,
Decayed,
Reside in me.
My pain is old,
won’t stop to seethe,
comes knocking,
endlessly.
I make new deeds
and plant them deep.
Sown seeds
Will thrive,
but just for me.
See, the new one is not bound by the generic conventions of the strict form. With free verse, I could increase the speed and make the rhymes less predictable. The short lines also contribute to rhythm and especially in the end convey the hopeful look into the future.
Same as in prose, cutting the unnecessary is important in poetry, as well as showing what is happening. I tried to do that in both poems, but I think the second one is clearer.
Thank you for the challenge, Christine.
PS: A little advice: Write first, edit later. Leaving the poem for a few months has helped me create some distance and an objective view.
12 Comments:
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I don't know, but somehow you can take more time with editing in poetry and you have a better overview.
My head hurts from prose and poetry, haha. That's the fun of it.
Mason
Thoughts in Progress
This was my first Blogfest and I'm looking forward to join more ...
......dhole
Talli, where can I see one of your poems? I'm glad you liked it.
Nicole, you should really share it. I'd love to read one of yours one day. Even if it's not finished, our lovely blogger community could maybe help you. (Or it's really awesome already and you need to know that.)